Thursday, July 21, 2011

I hate 3D.

First of all, let’s clarify, because as I may have mentioned I am a 3D artist. I’m not talking about 3D rendering or modeling, I love those. I mean the stupid, gimicy nonsense you find in theaters these days, and on very expensive and completely useless televisions. I’m talking about the stupid 3D-craze that’s been sweeping the country lately for some unknown reason.

I really shouldn’t say the reason is ‘unknown’, since its actually incredibly obvious: greed. Film companies can charge almost double for that stupid 3D movie, and most of that ticket price goes straight into their pocket. Electronics manufacturers know they can rely on early-adopters to pick up the tab for the development of those stupid TVs, and even make a tidy profit. So when 3D Survivor turns out to be economically unviable and your ridiculously-priced TV is only good for watching the occasional movie you already paid $20 to see in the theater, well, I expect the trend will die out.

But not soon enough.

Of all the fads and trends I have seen come and go in my life, 3D is literally the only one I can express such vile hatred for. I’m not a huge fan of Capri pants, but I don’t really care, I’m not a girl, and while they look stupid, they just don’t matter to me. But 3D is different: its indescribably stupid, incalculably annoying, and All. Over. The Bloody. Place.

Let’s get one thing straight: it is a gimmick, pure and simple. It is absolutely and completely nothing else. It was invented for theme parks, where watching stuff pop out of the screen at you is a novelty that doesn’t happen enough to wear itself out. But like all snake oil, someone realized there was money in driving it into the ground, and so it is now pervasive.

And it cannot die fast enough.

If all 3D was gone tomorrow, it wouldn’t be soon enough. If it disappeared last year and never grew to the stupid levels its at now, it wouldn’t be soon enough! If it had never reached the trend levels that make me want to making something that is living into something dead, it would not be soon enough.

So, since there is no way for the trend to die fast, I want it to die slowly.

Not glacially slow, I still want it gone. But I want it to die painfully. I want the sort of sheer, unadulterated hurt that makes every single person who ever made a buck off the trend rue the day.

First, I want to see people loose money. And not just a little money, I want it to bomb and fail so badly that it actually hurts the already fragile economy. I want people to get fired, not laid off, actually fired. I want an angry, red-faced boss to call someone into his office and to scream “YOU’RE FIRED FOR THINKING THIS STUPID 3D $#&@ WAS A GOOD IDEA!” Some people can get laid off, but I want that to happen at least once.

Also, I want to see some companies close. I know this will happen because there’s a bunch of start-ups right now based entirely on unviable and unsustainable technologies related to 3D, so at least a few people’s lives will be completely ruined. Maybe, hopefully, at least one of those people will default on a loan and go to jail, then at least someone will have been punished, if indirectly, for the existence of 3D.

I want to see marriages broken up. Families torn apart. Even if its just the straw that breaks the camel’s back in an already tenious marriage, I want divorces to happen over the fall of 3D. Not a noticeable spike in the divorce rate, but just a few people need to split because of how stupid 3D is.

And, I hope at least one person is so ruined over the whole decline that they are driven to alcoholism by it. I know that’s a mean thing to ask for, but screw it, I hate 3D so badly I hope someone falls into a horrible addiction.

That is how much I hate this stupid fad. I’m sure some of you out there like it, I don’t care. Just don’t talk to me about it, and I mean ever, and we can still be friends. However, I’m sure there is at least one other person out there who has hated some trend as much as I hate this one, and whoever you are, I know you understand how I feel.

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